Ever seen that episode of Red Dwarf? Confidence and Paranoia? Lister gets sick and his confidence and his paranoia come out as ‘real’ hallucinations. His confidence tells him he is great and wonderful and everybody loves him whereas his paranoia tells him he is crap and rubbish and everybody hates him.
It’s very apt to life I think, a nice observation (I don’t take all my life philosophies from Red Dwarf, in case you were wondering, this one just sticks out in my mind).
So my confidence is telling me that this book I’m writing is really good, I’m onto something brill here and this writing lark is what I’m cut out to do with my life. It is my destiny, blah blah blah. It’ll only take me a couple of months to get this manuscript complete and polished and then I’ll be able to get an agent easy peasy because it’s so good and then the rest will be out of my hands. I’ll be a fully-fledged published author by this time next year.
My paranoia, meanwhile, is sat behind my confidence, poking it up the backside with a rather sharp stick. “Don’t be so ridiculous,” it says to me. “You’ll never amount to anything. Your confidence is lying to you, don’t believe it. Why bother wasting your time and effort with this crap? It’ll never get published. After all, your destiny is to be a minimum-wage skivvy behind some bar where people speak to you like crap all your life.”
The two do battle often, like strange creatures in a fantasy novel that are fighting to the death. I can hear their swords swiping and screeching. Actually, I can’t – I’m not insane. And they don’t even use swords, they are more like children poking each other than men at war.
Sometimes, my confidence is winning and at other times, paranoia has won over and my confidence has to go and nurse its poor, injured backside.
Today, luckily for me, my confidence has grown…inflated if you will, much like the unfairly disliked ego, and is towering over my stupid paranoia, kicking it in the goolies and showing it who’s boss. So maybe I will be a published author this time next year after all…